if I just get it out there maybe it will go away?

My paternal grandmother had serious health problems from the time I was a little girl. I believe I was around ten or eleven when I began to realize just how sick she was. I was the first grandchild and we shared a special bond. Even though our personalities were very different, we "got" each other. Being the product of two people who were too young to take care of themselves, much less a kid, I was practically raised by my grandparents. So, needless to say, they have had a profound impact on me. For several years, as a kid, I had a recurring dream that my grandmother was going to die. In these dreams, she always knew she was about to die and she had no emotion about it whatsoever. She just accepted it and went on. I would wake up sobbing. These dreams make sense now, of course. I was kid and I didn't know how to deal with my fears. Fears of losing my best friend, caregiver, and the person who loved me most. Eventually, even though I was still scared of losing her, the dreams stopped. She lived until I was 26. My whole family was with her when she went.

Now, I'm again having recurring dreams. The players are different this time. There was a girl. I believed it was forever. I was wrong. We haven't been together for five or six years. We haven't spoken since last November. But, for the last couple of months I keep having dreams about her. The dreams are pretty boring, nothing really exciting happens. We hang out, she smiles a lot, we laugh. There's an emotional closeness. For the first time since we broke up I haven't allowed myself to contact her. In the past, if I started thinking about her a lot I would email her and we would correspond. The last time I did that, it was almost two years ago, and it turned into an emotional affair that lasted for over a year. She has a girlfriend. From everything she told me, she wasn't happy. But, in the end she just wasn't ready to jump ship. So, that's that. We just stopped talking which is probably for the best. But, here I am having these stupid dreams about a stupid girl who didn't choose me. I want them to stop for a couple of reasons. First, I feel like crap when I wake up from one of these dreams. They just bring back so many memories. I also want them to stop because I think if they do that will mean I've finally let go of all this. I thought I had let go. But, these dreams tell me otherwise. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's quite depressing, really.